My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
