My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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