You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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