This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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