Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
