Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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