we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
