Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
