Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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