Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
