I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
