We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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