Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
