piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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