if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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