I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
