How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
