Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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