This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
this is an emotional support booty call
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
