All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
