Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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