1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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