Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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