Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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