I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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