Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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