New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
