She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
