my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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