U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Im part way to drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
