I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
