Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
