I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
