Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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