I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
