Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
