I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
one two three fourrrrnication!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
