i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
