the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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