i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
