Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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