Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
