Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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