Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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