I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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