she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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