One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
