so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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