It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
