Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
