He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
